Thoughtful Thursday
- Details
- Parent Category: Onstage
by Gwin Jean
Somber stories hide in the crevices of the lineage lines on her dark hands. Salt filled tears shoved in the bags beneath her brown eyes – I can almost taste the tears. Her swollen feet press against the laminate flooring in the house. She grabs my face with her hands, passing me each story that dances between the lines on the inside of her palm. I am not ready to keep all of her stories, but I do not tell her this.
My grandmother is short in stature, yet powerful and she expects me to be the same. I am not powerful – I am, however, short. She pats me up and down as I close my eyes. “You seem….thinner, dear.” She says, hands still focusing on my mid area. “I’m not, grandmother,” I say, briefly smiling. “These stories that I’m giving you will make you strong. They will give you strength. They will give you everything you think you are lacking, dear” she whispers, as if it’s a secret that only we can know.
I smile again, looking into her eyes as she reassures me that I will have strength. “What are you lacking, dear?” she asks. I cackle and look at the floor then look back at my grandmother who hasn’t taken her eyes off me. “What… are you lacking, dear?” she asks again. A lump develops in my throat, as I think of the obvious things that I am lacking. At 27 years old, I should be married. I should have a family and I don’t. I wonder if that has anything to do with my strength. Am I not strong enough for a man? Am I too strong for men? Do I scare them away?
My grandmother is waiting for my answer as I am thinking of an appropriate one to give her and I guess it all boils down to strength. Self-strength, not in physique, but in mindset. “Strength,” I respond, biting my lip. She promises me that these stories will help me, and my future children, and my children’s children. She promises that as soon as she passes them on to me, I will have them within me forever. I am not ready to keep all of her stories, but I do not tell her this. “These stories, Winter, will give you everything that you have been missing. Protect my stories with your hands as I’ve once done.”
- Details
- Parent Category: Onstage
Untitled
It’s like I’m already deeply infatuated
But not deep enough to get past your flesh and bones
I’d like to devour
And not the sexual kind, I mean that too, but more like the "I fuck with you mentally"
Grow beyond the stares, touches, smiles, blushes
Texts here and there
Like, fuck my brains out
Tell me some shit about me I never knew
Enlighten me of the worlds I never knew existed
Move me
Make me cry tears of pleasure because I’m just that deep into the crevices of your soul.
I wanna see the stars from your eyes
I wanna hear the cry of seagulls and the roar of the ocean from your ears
I wanna know your very reason for existing
And end up with the conclusion that you exist for me
Maybe in 10 years a "fuck you, I hate you" will appear and we'll want nothing to do with one another
But to know that we once vibed is worth the risk
I’d like to remember you when I hear my favorite song
Sip the finest wine
Blow trees of the finest bud
Sit on the edge of the prettiest lake
Make my bed of the softest sheets
I want you to never be nonexistent so that when we do grow apart it'll be easy
To find you again
Audre Love
Stay Ready
I rehearsed for my funeral today
Because I figured that if expectations don’t kill me
If standards of what’s beautiful don’t kill me
Maybe a trigger finger would
I figured that a black man’s blood may not be where they think the gold is
And they’ll aim and fire shots at the womb of a black woman instead
I figured they’d want to give my glory to their daughters
And have them pretend they were meant to live longer
Have them pretend they have soil here, that runs deeper than mine
I figured they’d want to fake sow seeds with my blood
So, I figured that I’d practice dying today
And I wrote a letter to my mother...
Ma, you are the ultimate woman, and your best, has always been enough…
thank you for laughing at me, when I wore weird clothes,
It made the world less of a scary place, you’re the reason
I’m so brave…
I wrote a letter to my lover...
You made me feel so magical…and time never really mattered to me,
our connection stretched passed the long hand on a clock… I just wanted to know if all the time away would be worth it in the end…I meant it when I said I’m fucking with you, infinitely…deliberately…
I wrote a letter to my best friend...
I know I used to tell everyone that they were my favorite girl…but you really were, you were always so unconditional, you were always so strong, and you showed me exactly what friendship was…tell my godson all about me…
Because I figured that if a blast goes off
Or if I need more than mascara to seal my ‘pretty’
I’d stay ready
Yaya
- Details
- Parent Category: Onstage
by Khari Gzifa
You ever find yourself wondering why we fight the same battles over and over. Police brutality, discrimination, unemployment; I mean these arguments are as valid today as they were 100 years ago! With all of the attention seemingly paid to these issues over the years, certainly some progress would have been made, right? The evidence clearly answers, no. My theory is this; we don’t put our energy in the RIGHT direction. If we put as much energy into solving our issues as we put into all of these completely trivial issues maybe we could really see some change.
- Details
- Parent Category: Onstage
by J. Francis Black
We are all in search of the holy grail of happiness, but often hit speed bumps, do not enter signs, and detours while on our journey. Many of these road signs and hazards are manifested within us, as we try to navigate a path to wholeness. Below are five things that we do that may get in the way of our happiness.
1. ‘Okay’ our pain away
How often have we endured personal crisis, faced heartbreak, or experienced deep emotional wounds, to only place a smile on our faces and tell everyone those three eternal words - “I am okay”? When we okay our pain away, we also decide to don a mask that hides our fear of showing the world, and ourselves, that we are vulnerable. When we were children, it was okay to cry, to express when someone hurt our feelings, and to make proclamations of anger or sadness because it allowed for our needs to be met. However, as we grow we are taught that doing those things represents weakness, forget that there is strength in vulnerability, and fail to get our emotional needs fulfilled. When we say “I am okay,” when we’re really not, we stop speaking our truth and a part of us feels unheard and undervalued. When are times you've Okayed your pain away and how has it made you feel?
- Details
- Parent Category: Onstage
by J. Francis Black
How many of us have been in this situation – we make an important and life changing resolution, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, obtaining another job, developing a better attitude about life, or having better relationships with others, yet weeks after making this resolution we find ourselves stagnant, having made little change. This may lead us to feelings of failure, guilt, anger, or futility, which often leaves us feeling worse than prior to making our resolution. Making the decision to change can be quite easy, but going through the process of change can at times feel nerve wracking because it requires us sacrifice pieces of ourselves with the faith that things will work out for the best. In that sense, going through the process of change can seem very risky. Below are some barriers we build that can create resistance to change.
1. We see our identities as tied to our old way of being
When we know ourselves as one way for so long it may be difficult to see ourselves in a different light, especially as we prepare to make meaningful life changes. For instance, long term cigarette smokers may find it difficult to see themselves as nonsmokers because the habit is so embedded in their daily schedules, and smoking might become a coping mechanism to deal with life’s stresses. Therefore, if they are resolved to quit smoking, they may find it difficult to do so. Or, those that desire to change careers may be discouraged from moving into a different position if they cannot imagine themselves in a completely different field. Which begs the question, what identities are we tied to that prevent us from accomplishing our goals and resolutions? More importantly, what feelings and emotions are attached to our identities, and how do they hold us back? The cigarette smoker might say feelings of anxiety prevent them from quitting cigarettes, and the person that desires career change might identify a fear of failure as an obstacle to success. Once we are able to reflect and answer these questions, it is important to thank and acknowledge who we were while preparing to become who we want to be.