by J. Francis Black
We are all in search of the holy grail of happiness, but often hit speed bumps, do not enter signs, and detours while on our journey. Many of these road signs and hazards are manifested within us, as we try to navigate a path to wholeness. Below are five things that we do that may get in the way of our happiness.
1. ‘Okay’ our pain away
How often have we endured personal crisis, faced heartbreak, or experienced deep emotional wounds, to only place a smile on our faces and tell everyone those three eternal words - “I am okay”? When we okay our pain away, we also decide to don a mask that hides our fear of showing the world, and ourselves, that we are vulnerable. When we were children, it was okay to cry, to express when someone hurt our feelings, and to make proclamations of anger or sadness because it allowed for our needs to be met. However, as we grow we are taught that doing those things represents weakness, forget that there is strength in vulnerability, and fail to get our emotional needs fulfilled. When we say “I am okay,” when we’re really not, we stop speaking our truth and a part of us feels unheard and undervalued. When are times you've Okayed your pain away and how has it made you feel?
2. Apply an ‘it is what it is’ attitude to our life situations
‘it is what it is’ is a common statement that we apply to situations that we feel we can’t or couldn't change. Our car suddenly breaks down – ‘it is what it is’. It’s raining when we forgot our umbrella – ‘it is what it is’. We didn't get that raise – ‘it is what it is’. As we say it we may shrug our shoulders and sigh, while feeling utterly powerless to change a particular circumstance, and concluding that our feelings should not have an outlet for expression. Similar to Okaying our pain away, applying an ‘is what it is’ attitude to life’s circumstances may encourage us to deny how those situations makes us feel. What are your coping mechanisms when dealing with seemingly unchangeable life circumstances?
3. Avoid the healing process to maintain the status quo
Many of us carry invisible hurts and emotional wounds that we've accumulated over time. These wounds may have resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics, separation from loved ones, breakups with significant others, or other types of trauma, and they impact our self-perceptions and how we interact with the world around us. We may attempt to bury these emotions inside of our souls because confronting that pain can sometimes be too scary, painful, and revealing. Then, when we are tasked with addressing what has caused us distress, we become defensive and stuck in old ways of being because we can’t let go of a pain that has become part of who we are. What emotional wounds do you need to be healed in order to move forward?
4. Accept the perceptions of others as our own personal truths
How often have we felt that we were not good enough for a blessing or undeserving of kindness, love and acceptance, because of the words and actions of others? We frequently receive messages and impressions from others that we allow to define us as people. Sometimes these messages are positive, but other times they characterize and amplify our insecurities, making us feel unintelligent, unworthy, and unlovable. We then bring those feelings to bear in our daily interactions, unsure of what is truth and what is fiction. What perceptions have you accepted as your personal truth?
5. Allow guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety to influence our decision making
Sometimes we do things that go against our beliefs, dreams, and goals because we do not want to want to feel the guilt, shame or fear of doing what we truly desire. For instance, we may decide to follow a career path of our parents design rather even though we would rather do something else, because don’t want to let them down. Or, we avoid making an important decision because we are fearful of the outcome. Or we keep parts of ourselves hidden to avoid judgment and ridicule. Other times we may allow our minds to over analyze hypothetical outcomes which lead us to inaction, delayed decision making, and feelings of anxiety. Accepting who we are requires that we leave behind pieces of ourselves that are no longer consistent with our life path, yet doing so also means that we leave behind uncertainty, doubt, and the expectations of others. How have you allowed feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or anxiety to influence your decision making?
I would love to hear from you! Please comment on how any of the items on this list have gotten in the way of your happiness in the comments section below. Don’t hesitate to share this post with your friends and loved ones if you feel that this is something that speaks to them. If you are interested in receiving a free life path coaching exercise and free 30 minute life coaching consultation, please contact me.
Jerrilyn Black is owner of J. Francis Black Life Coaching and holds a certification is life coaching strategies as well as a master’s in social work. As a life coach with a background in social work, Jerrilyn uses a holistic, justice-oriented, person-in-environment approach to help others realize their freedom to grow into their power, overcome doubt and fear, and live their best lives.