The other day I was speaking with a good friend who was afraid to undertake a new venture because she feared making a mistake and not being perfect. I shared that some of the most successful people in the world found achievement because they made mistakes. I know it sounds cliché, but how could we learn to be our best selves if there weren't those missteps that caused us to change and grow? Based on my experiences, I've realized that the biggest 'mistakes' we could make' are those that limit our possibilities. The following list highlights the potential ‘mistakes’ we make and contains lessons to grow and learn from.
1. Becoming a creature of habit - saying no instead of saying yes
We can all become creatures of habit. Many of us wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, and prepare for the next day. We do this for five days out of the week, and on the fifth day we pray for the weekend to come a little bit faster. Thrown in the mix are infrequent happy hours, dinner parties, or random dates. Sometimes we can become so comfortable in our routines that we miss out on opportunities that are staring us in the face. We say no to potentially life changing events because they might disrupt what we are used to. How many times have we said no to potential friendships, job opportunities, love interests, new hobbies because we don’t see the value they can bring to our lives? This is not to advise that we should say yes to everything, like Jim Carrey’s character in the film Yes Man, because that would be exhausting. Rather it suggests that we should find ways to allow more of the good things to come into our lives, despite inclinations to turn down opportunities.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Make a commitment to changing something about your daily schedule for a week – take a different route to work or school, eat outside for lunch, or join a friend for an exercise class.
If someone asks you to do something exciting, yet out of your comfort zone, say yes and follow through.
2. Saying yes instead of saying no
Sometimes we may fall into the other trap where we say yes to everything and everyone. We may do this because we are afraid of disappointing others or not living up to expectations that have been unnecessarily placed on us. We may fear that others will think of us as selfish if we say no to their requests, causing internalized guilt and conflict. For instance, we may endlessly listen to others problems at the expense of taking care of our own, loan/give money when we have very little to spare, or help someone move forward in life when our own bodies are depleted of energy. Why? Because we feel that we have to. Or, we may feel that being a ‘bottomless pit of strength and giving’ is a role we are required to play in people’s lives. How would it impact the identities we've assumed within our families and friendships if we said no from time to time? It is okay to give ourselves the same type of attention and love that we give to others, even if it means that we have to say no sometimes. This is not to suggest that we say no to everyone all the time, but instead to recognize when our own valuable resources of time and energy are running low.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Schedule time to ‘unplug ‘for at least 30 minutes each week (or more often). Use that time to sit quietly by yourself doing something you really love to do, such as mediate, draw, write, read, etc. During that time, turn off your cell phone and don’t check emails.
3. Holding on to expired relationships
Many of us have heard the saying, “people come into our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime.” However, can we tell the difference between those relationships that are to last for a season from those that are for a lifetime? Many of us hold on to friendships and intimate, familial, and work-based relationships that well-suited us in the past, yet presently stall our personal and professional growth. Some of our relationships can begin to feel one-sided, where we give much and receive very little in return. Other times our relationships begin to feel like a contest where our loved-ones put us down, don’t express happiness about our achievements, or find fault with our decisions. Or, two people involved in a relationship find themselves drifting in very different directions, finding it difficult to meaningfully reconnect. Sometimes we are able to rejuvenate these expired relationships through honest conversations, acceptance, and change. Yet, what do we do if we cannot revive those relationships? If we hold onto these expired relationships, we prevent ourselves from focusing on more significant relationships and endeavors, impacting our overall well-being. Yet, it’s hard to say goodbye because of the care we have for others, and because it’s difficult to break free of relational patterns. However, in releasing those expired relationships from our stratospheres we create spaces for new opportunities to enter our lives.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Choose to have an honest conversation with someone about the status of your relationship (friend, family, intimate partner), where the both of you can discuss your dreams and desires for moving forward in the relationship.
During the course of a month, commit to meeting at least one new person, or joining a new group of people, that share your interests, beliefs, and values.
4. Letting others talk you out of a decision(s)
Have you ever been incredibly excited about a new idea or venture only to have someone question you about it, to DEATH? For instance, you may say “I want to take a trip to Italy next year,” and your friend’s response may be “Why do you want to go to Italy? Do you know anyone there? Are you going with anyone? Do you even have to money to make that kind of trip? Are you sure you really want to do that?” Suddenly, you feel the wind being knocked out of your sails, the air being let out of your balloon, and the rug being pulled out from under you – maybe Italy isn’t such a good idea any more. It’s funny how people people’s responses to our life decisions can truly impact the big and small choices we make, like whether we should change careers, leave a relationship, go back to school, move to a new city, etc. One moment we are so excited and full of joy because we’ve made a choice that we’re invested in, and then someone shares his opinion and we question our decision making abilities. Although our loved ones think they know what’s best for us, if we always let their opinions change our minds we could be missing out on life’s special moments. Yes, sometimes the advice they provide is really great and illuminating. However, we owe it to ourselves to stick to the decisions that excite us and put the wind in our sails.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Consider a major decision you've made about your life. Journal what resulted from you making that decision.
Consider a major decision you’d like to make in your life. Imagine all the wonderful things that could result from that decision and journal about it.
5. Not putting your special skills, talents, and abilities to use
We each have natural skills and acquired skills. Our natural skills are abilities we were born with, while the acquired skills are the ones we've gained via job experiences and education. Some of our natural skills may be that we are great with people, patient teachers, fantastic organizers, lovely musicians, awesome dancers, detailed artists, visionary inventors, etc. Yet, how often do we use our natural skills and abilities in our everyday lives? What pieces of ourselves do we leave hidden away because we feel that they are not useful or profitable? If our natural skills and abilities represent things we love to do, incorporating more of these skills into our everyday lives can make a beneficial impact on how we see ourselves. For example if you are a naturally great designer, you may find joy in setting up a small decorating business on the side. If you are a natural teacher, it may be worthwhile to mentor young children. If you are a great organizer, you may ask to take on more projects within your current job that involve meeting planning. We are each unique and born with wonderful qualities, but it’s up to us on how we choose to use them to create fulfillment.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Write down a list of natural talents that you possess. Consider how you can implement these talents into your everyday life.
6. Not taking that art class
How many times have we met up with a friend who has this amazing glow because she’s taking a life changing art class, to then say to ourselves “I wish I could do something that, but...” Why can’t we do those things that bring a glow into our eyes, a sense of renewal within our spirits, and change within our lives? Is it financial/time cost, a fear of trying and failing at something new, or something else? Maybe taking an art class is not the ‘something’ that moves you to want to act in new ways. Maybe that ‘something’ is changing careers, deciding to go to back to school, writing a short story, or moving to a new place. These ‘somethings’ are achievable, no buts about it. Yet, they may also reflect what we want to do but ultimately don’t because we create mental obstacles that thwart us from discovering our individual life’s purpose. However, if these barriers didn't exist, what could we gain by believing that we could do anything?
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Consider what obstacles you have created that may be preventing you from doing that ‘something’ you've always wanted to do.
7. Not expressing gratitude
Every day we say ‘thank you’ to people who’ve helped us in some way – our bus drivers, servers, good Samaritans, etc. In fact, saying please and thank you is something that many of us learned from our parents, caregivers, and teachers, early in life. However, how often do we allow life’s challenging situations to frustrate and prevent us from seeing all that we have to be thankful for? I have been guilty of this. In the past I worked a job that wasn’t a great match for my skills and interests, and I would discuss my displeasure with this job to anyone who would listen. Then one day I looked around my home and noticed all of the things I was able to have because of that job, and this sense of gratitude washed over me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much my job gave to me, such as new skills and great friendships. I also learned more about myself and what I was truly looking for in a job, which allowed me to start on a path toward finding a fulfilling career. In allowing my frustrations to get the better of me, I couldn’t see how fortunate I was. I was permitting negative thoughts to consume my head space - so much so that I didn’t have room to contemplate the beauty of life. I still get frustrated about things like getting stuck in bumper to bumper traffic or people placing empty containers in the fridge. But, when I find myself dwelling too much on situations that cause negative feelings to arise inside of me, I make a list of all I am thankful for and find a silver lining.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Consider keeping a journal of things that you are thankful for that you can add to and revisit when you feel frustrated or down.
8. Not forgiving yourself and others
True forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves because it means that we can let go of past hurts that impact the potential for present happiness. In forgiving ourselves for our mistakes or perceived transgressions, we give ourselves permission to recognize our humanity. We realize that life goes on, and that tomorrow is another day to learn a brand new lesson. In forgiving others we are able to release the power they have within our hearts and minds. That is not to say that we should become best friends with someone that’s done something disloyal and untrustworthy. However, it means that we should let the anger, hurt, and disappointment be transformed into something brighter, lighter, and more meaningful so we do not carry that pain within us.
Suggestions for taking the first steps toward change:
Acknowledge that mistakes contain lessons that you can learn from. If you or someone in your life makes a mistake, ask yourself what you learned from it.
Question whether you are holding onto any hurt or anger from the past. If you are, how might those feelings prevent you from moving forward in life?
J. Francis Black holds an MSW and is a Certified Life Strategies Coach. If you are looking to make significant changes in your life and need a partner and guide, contact her at www.jfrancisblack.com.